When it falls apart…

After ten days in Arizona working with our birthmom, we received an email that confirmed what we feared. Our adoption match had fallen apart.

Our birthmom was overwhelmed and needed space. After avoiding us for days and missing the doctor’s appointment, we were concerned for her. And then I happened to check my email. And it was confirmed. She was reconsidering and didn’t want to continue seeing or speaking to us.

A mix of emotions overwhelmed me. I had already seen it coming when she didn’t come to the appointment, and was already in tears because of that. I was mildly relieved that we had confirmation of where she was and how she was feeling. In equal measure, I was heartbroken. A flood of doubts and questions swirled around in my mind, along with the words of her email which cut deeply. Did we make a mistake coming down? Did we rush things? Did we push her too hard? Will we ever see or hear from her again? What will happen to the babies? And what will we do now?

We knew that we had the trip to Haiti with our college students scheduled for Sunday. If we left Arizona on Saturday we could still make it. We had packed out passports and many clothes, so we had everything we needed. We decided to move forward with our Haiti trip, to go serve and love the girls at the orphanage. God had still made a way for us to keep that commitment and for that I am thankful.

Our agency has still been promoting our profile and website even through this match, so we have not lost any ground with them. There is still a chance our birthmom could reach out to us in the future, but obviously we don’t have any reassurance that will happen.

We know many of our family, friends and bloggybuddies have been praying us through the past few days. We have felt the peace of God in waves as we grief and try to move on. We know God will still be faithful even if we never hear from this birth mom again. We have never been ones for guarding our emotions or self-preserving. I don’t think that is the way God intended us to live. Those of you who know me, you know I am a passionate person and I have a lot of feelings. I don’t hold back my love for others for fear of getting hurt. All this pain is a result of loving deeply, loving this birthmom and even giving her the blanket I have been crocheting for years. My hope is that is will be a reminder to her that she is loved and cared for no matter what happens. Regrets? I have none.

Not one regret. Why? Because this has never been about my plan. From the very beginning it was God’s doing, so why would I regret taking steps of faith that He led me to take? I know now that I can love a birth mom and serve her. I can be her friend, and I can trust God to handle the rest.

Now, do I have bad moments? Yes. I am still really wrestling through this. I am asking questions that have no answers. “How long God? How long will we have to keep waiting?” And I will be really transparent, this experience makes me never want to adopt again. But I know  that is my circumstances talking, not my faith, not even my heart. My journey to motherhood is a road that is marked with many speed bumps, pot holes, breakdowns, mountains, and valleys. And I am not any closer to seeing the end. I find myself looking at other women that have children and admiring their little ones. Wondering what it will be like when I finally have one or two to call my own. And sometimes I am green with envy. Sometimes I just turn my eyes away because it hurts too much.

Driving back from Arizona with a car full of baby items….that is a painful reminder of the still empty nursery that awaits us when we return from Haiti. That is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. Grief will begin all over again. But God will still be good. And I will still wait on Him.

The song of my journey appears to be “Thou You Slay Me” by Shane and Shane. If you still haven’t listened to it, you should. Come and enter in with me. Feel the pain in the offering, of yours and of mine. Come, let us worship Him together in the midst of our pain. Let’s cry out to Him together. Let’s find ourselves once more offering up what we hold dear, believing that God will make a way. Let’s grieve together and when the time is right, let’s celebrate together. May the suffering we endure only bring us closer to our Savior, Jesus Christ, who suffered much for our sake and salvation.

Though You Slay Me-Shane and Shane

“I come, God, I come
Return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who’s all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who’s all I need

Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still all that I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who’s all I need
Sing a song to the One who’s all I need.”

 

There is pain in the offering-but He is worthy.